The State of Skub Address

For those of you unfamiliar with skub, it was first brought to light as an issue by Perry Bible Fellowship. Since then, pro-skub and anti-skub factions (and even anti-pro-skub factions) have divided this country. I am a vehement anti-skubber. In the past few years, skub usage has gone up, but the issue has been moved into the background of American politics as the economy, terrorism, and unemployment have been more visible. However, what people do not realize is that skub is interlinked with and the cause of many of the problems that plague the United States today. I prepared a State of Skub Address today, in hopes that I may rally the public to the cause. It follows:

Ladies, gentlemen, skub-hating Americans. In the past half decade, the crusade against skub has waned. I know it is easy to be disillusioned seeing how skub usage has spread across this great land, but we must prevail. Osama Bin Ladin, the world's leading producer of skub, has now been eliminated; but it doesn't end here. Being anti-skub is a full-time job. Skub has destroyed the rainforest, leaving orangutans, three-toed sloths, and the screeching rihanna with nowhere to go. Skub is being used at an earlier age than ever, causing elementary schoolers to be kicked out of their homes and become skub-pushers. Skub has allowed Justin Bieber to become famous and influence other children to use skub. Skub has promised to marry various girls, only to get them in the sack,impregnate them with little skubs, and run off with their sisters to Havana. Skub has let loose angry trolls in hospitals. Perhaps worst of all, skub has shortened the rotation of the earth by six milliseconds in the last year, causing global warming and mild constipation.

Now, more than ever, is the time to address skub. For every one person who joins the cause, ten dolphins are saved, 50 pounds of CO2 is eliminated from the atmosphere, a baby kisses a kitten, a double rainbow appears, three people decide not to get a Bieber-cut,traffic on I-94 clears up, Radiohead writes a new song, and someone gets a rock out of their shoe.It is not the time to stop anti-skub protests. I propose a million anti-skubber march in the near future. Jon Stewart, Dan Akroyd, and Ernest Borgnine (whose pet rock was eaten by skub) should be keynote speakers. If we don't use our voices, skub wins. I dread the day that skub destroys my America; on that day I will go down guns blazing. An America ruled by skub is no America at all. So join me in a pledge to fight skub as vigorously as if it were a pack of rabid iguanas (which, coincidentally, skub is building an army of). Rid America of skub today, experience peace and freedom tomorrow.

Thank you all, and God bless America.

Please join me in the fight against skub. We cannot afford to sweep the issue under the rug any longer. If you would like to join the fight, please visit the Anti-skub Facebook page.