"You Wouldn't Happen to Have a Ladder?"

So, my buddy Mark is in the forces in Qatar, and we still talk over AIM. The other day, we were talking about an incident on Prom night of Junior year. A bunch of us didn't want to go or didn't have dates, so we made a plan to toilet paper 96 houses of people that were at Prom. I mapped it out and divided it into sectors. Well, about six houses in we got caught after someone saw us running away from a house that we saw someone move in. Hilarity ensued. I found the transcript I wrote of the dialogue between us and the cops. Here it is:

"You Wouldn't Happen to Have a Ladder?"

A nine-act play based on a true story
The night of April 14th, 2005
As told by T.J.

ACT 1: AT HOME
TJ: I'm going T.P.ing
Dad: Don't take my car
TJ: OK.

ACT 2: IN TJ'S DAD'S CAR WITH FOUR FRIENDS
Policeman: Get out of the car.
TJ: OK.

ACT 3: ON THE STREET
Policeman: Do you know why I stopped you?
TJ: No.
Policeman: People described five young men getting out of a van fitting the description
of yours, walking up to a house, and running away. Do you know anything about that?
TJ: Haha, yeah. We were scoping it out.
Policeman: Like you were going to burglarize it?
TJ: Haha, no. Like we were going to T.P. it.
Policeman: Alright, is there anything in the car other than TP (He flashes the flashlight into TJ's eyes)
TJ: Like...
Policeman: Drugs or alcohol?
TJ: Ha, no, we were just out to get people while they were at Prom.
Policeman: (Laughing) Are you the guys that couldn't get dates?
TJ: Haha, no, I could have gotten a date. I dunno about the rest.
Policeman: Oh, I gotcha. You didn't want to spend $90 on a girl that wouldn't aprreciate it.
TJ: Exactly.
Policeman: Alright, you can go back to the car.

ACT 4: BACK IN THE CAR
Policeman: Alright, you guys have two choices. 1) I give you all $160 citations. 2) You clean the houses off while we watch.
Matt: Choice 1!!!
TJ: Haha, no. We'll take the other one.

(Policeman starts to walk away)
TJ: Wait! You wouldn't happen to have a ladder, would you?
Policeman: Haha, nope. You're gonna have to use your imagination.

ACT 5: TAKING THE T.P. DOWN OUTSIDE OF JULIA'S HOUSE
(TJ and the police officer watch as Dan Sleider is hoisted into a tree by Matt and Cox. He gets stuck and hangs like a monkey in the tree to get some TP. TJ turns to the officer and says...)
TJ: This is more fun that the actual T.P.ing
Policeman: After we're done, I've got a lawn that needs mowing(Sleider gets down and shows them his wrists, which are all cut up from the branches)

ACT 6: STANDING BY TJ's CAR
Policeman: I still see a strand of TP in the tree.
Sleider: If I try to get it, the branch will break.
Policeman: No license until you get it.
(All the guys go "awwww")
Policeman: I'm just kidding. How many rolls did you guys buy?
Dan Brown: 120.

TJ: Haha, yeah, we had a 96-house plan.
Cox: It's all the cheap kind.
TJ: Yeah, like half-ply.

ACT 7: FLASHBACK TO PICK 'N SAVE
(All five guys walk up to cahier with 120 rolls of T.P.)
Cashier: Going camping?
TJ: Um, no. We're... building a float.
Cashier: You're lying. You're going t.p.ing, aren't you?
TJ: Yeah, but if we get caught, we'll say we got it from Sentry.

ACT 8: STANDING BY TJ'S CAR
TJ: We got it from Sentry. Can we donate the TP to the police station?
Policeman: Ha, no, we're all set. But you guys are free to go.
TJ: So we can go back to T.P.ing now, right?

ACT 9: BACK HOME

Dad: You took my car?! You're grounded for two weeks from car, internet, and cellphone. You're gonna have to gain our trust back... (Fades out)
FIN

Possible Casting
TJ: Jude Law
Matt B.: Jim Carrey
Sleider: Some unknown gymnast that can hang from trees
Dan Brown: Steve Buscemi
Stock: Andy Dick
Cox: Mark Cox

Policeman: Himself. He was like 25 with a fauxhawk. Chicks would go crazy for the guy.

Haylie Duff - Foremost expert in singing and acting

Okay, I've caught some of the search for the next Elle Woods from Legally Blonde on MTV. Whatever. A lot of annoying voices, etc. But you do have to feel terrible for these girls because it seems like Broadway is the most cutthroat business ever.

But this is what's ridiculous: About every ten minutes or so Haylie Duff says something about how hard it is to be an actress and how good singers do this and that and blah, blah, blah. This is hilarious. There is NOTHING hard about Haylie Duff's life. She rode her younger sister's coattails to... Napolean Dynamite. I want to see her sing one of the songs from Legally Blonde. She would get laughed off the stage.

I dunno, that's my random injustice I thought I'd share with the world today. I haven't had a lot to write about lately because I work and sleep, and that's about it. I have listened to music, though, so I'll make the song of the day "Fools" by the Dodos. The Dodos are a two-piece band with a guitar player / lead singer that plays some crazy, intense, difficult riffs all while he sings some crazy rythyms. Fools is the most intense song with an acoustic guitar you will ever hear.

The Dodos' "Fools" at YouTube

Chris Osgood: Most Valuable... Goalie?

Messed up. Listen. I'm ecstatic that my favorite hockey team, the Detroit Red Wings, won their fourth Cup in 11 years. Let me just say that I have been a Wings fan since I was in kindergarten, before they had won their first Cup in 42 years, because my whole mother's side of the family lives in Michigan and are Wings fans. But this is my beef: How did Chris Osgood not get the Conn Smythe trophy as MVP of the Stanley Cup Playoffs?

Henrik Zetterberg got it. Zetterberg was tied for first in the playoffs with 27 points, along with "the Next One", Sidney Crosby of the Penguins. He was tied for first in goals with 13, along with Johan Franzen of the Wings. He was third in assists with 14, 7 behind Crosby's 21.

Osgood was passed over in '98 when he was starter for the Wings in favor of Steve Yzerman for Conn Smythe, which was probably the right call. But consider this: Chris Osgood is 35. He got traded away from the Wings to the New York Islanders and St. Louis Blues, teams that clearly had no shot at Stanley Cups. It looked like Osgood was on the downswing. Heck, when he came back to the Wings, and even this year, he was supposed to be Dominik Hasek's backup. But no, he led the regular season in goals against average with a 2.09 goals-against average. When he got to the playoffs he again did not start as the Wings chose to use Hasek. But after game four, with Hasek having lost the last two games as starter, Osgood got the job and never let go. He went 14-4, with 3 shutouts (T-1st), .930 save percentage (3rd), and a 1.55 GAA (1st), .42 ahead of the second place holder. By comparison, in 2006 the Conn Smythe trophy was given to Cam Ward of the Carolina Hurricanes, who had a 2.14 GAA and .920 save percentage.

I have nothing else to say. I think the numbers speak for themselves.

Song of the day: Hospital Beds by Cold War Kids at YouTube