The State of Skub Address

For those of you unfamiliar with skub, it was first brought to light as an issue by Perry Bible Fellowship. Since then, pro-skub and anti-skub factions (and even anti-pro-skub factions) have divided this country. I am a vehement anti-skubber. In the past few years, skub usage has gone up, but the issue has been moved into the background of American politics as the economy, terrorism, and unemployment have been more visible. However, what people do not realize is that skub is interlinked with and the cause of many of the problems that plague the United States today. I prepared a State of Skub Address today, in hopes that I may rally the public to the cause. It follows:

Ladies, gentlemen, skub-hating Americans. In the past half decade, the crusade against skub has waned. I know it is easy to be disillusioned seeing how skub usage has spread across this great land, but we must prevail. Osama Bin Ladin, the world's leading producer of skub, has now been eliminated; but it doesn't end here. Being anti-skub is a full-time job. Skub has destroyed the rainforest, leaving orangutans, three-toed sloths, and the screeching rihanna with nowhere to go. Skub is being used at an earlier age than ever, causing elementary schoolers to be kicked out of their homes and become skub-pushers. Skub has allowed Justin Bieber to become famous and influence other children to use skub. Skub has promised to marry various girls, only to get them in the sack,impregnate them with little skubs, and run off with their sisters to Havana. Skub has let loose angry trolls in hospitals. Perhaps worst of all, skub has shortened the rotation of the earth by six milliseconds in the last year, causing global warming and mild constipation.

Now, more than ever, is the time to address skub. For every one person who joins the cause, ten dolphins are saved, 50 pounds of CO2 is eliminated from the atmosphere, a baby kisses a kitten, a double rainbow appears, three people decide not to get a Bieber-cut,traffic on I-94 clears up, Radiohead writes a new song, and someone gets a rock out of their shoe.It is not the time to stop anti-skub protests. I propose a million anti-skubber march in the near future. Jon Stewart, Dan Akroyd, and Ernest Borgnine (whose pet rock was eaten by skub) should be keynote speakers. If we don't use our voices, skub wins. I dread the day that skub destroys my America; on that day I will go down guns blazing. An America ruled by skub is no America at all. So join me in a pledge to fight skub as vigorously as if it were a pack of rabid iguanas (which, coincidentally, skub is building an army of). Rid America of skub today, experience peace and freedom tomorrow.

Thank you all, and God bless America.

Please join me in the fight against skub. We cannot afford to sweep the issue under the rug any longer. If you would like to join the fight, please visit the Anti-skub Facebook page.

Anybody else...

Think it's odd/funny/sad/worrying/sympathy-inducing to see U.S. Presidents gray, wither, and wrinkle before our eyes? Just do an Inauguration-Day-to-Farewell-Speech comparison, and it's a change that you wouldn't think four-to-eight years (or even as little as one or two) should make. Obama already looks a good ten years older to me. It's one of the most coveted positions, but I often don't envy Presidents. You deal with millions of lives, and sometimes you decide who dies and who lives. I think I'd crack. I wouldn't be able to sleep. How Dubyah supposedly slept ten hours a night... you know I was going to say "is beyond me", but when all I want to do is escape from the world, I sleep. Other times, I can't. I'm no President, but I could see it would work much in the same way except more violent. Plus, being on such a tight schedule, I'm sure it takes a toll on the body.

I'm no scientist, but I feel that looking at Presidents offers the answer to the disputed question of whether stress causes premature graying. I did some investigation, and it turned up that this link has never been proven, but it's suspected by many scientists. The debates seems to revolve around melanin, an a pigment polymer in our body that determines the color of hair, among other things. I won't talk too much about it, as I'm unsure even of that last statement, so I'll direct you to some links that discuss different sides of the issue.

The bottom line is that Presidents seem to age much faster than us commoners. Maybe it's because of the stress. Maybe it's just because we look much more at pictures of Presidents than ourselves or the people we know. Or maybe it's because the U.S. government has mastered time travel and Presidents spend years in the future finding out what issues they have to change to resolve the problems in future America. Which is your money on?

If I had the power...

So it's been a long time (This is becoming the standard start of my blogs). Sorry.

This is also going to be pretty random. Today, despite having an exam, all I could think about on the way to class was tours that I would put together if I had the power. Not only that, but what they would be called. I put these bands together because A) I like them or did at one time, B) Some are influenced by the others, C)I think they have styles that would compliment each other and attract many of the same fans.

Here's a few:

-WHY? / P.O.S. = The Indie R.A.P.? Tour

-The Dismemberment Plan/Local Natives/ The Velvet Teen = The Adjective Noun Tour (Although, is Dismemberment a gerund in this case? I might have to rethink it. Besides, misnomers are hip)

-The Thermals / Matt and Kim / Headlights = The Feel Good Fun Time Tour (Matt and Kim and The Thermals are in fact touring together)

-Broken Social Scene / DFA 1979/ Chad VanGaalen = It's a Tour, Eh?

-Weezer / Smashing Pumpkins = The We Promise to Play the Stuff from Before Our Lead Singer's Went Crazy Tour

-Janelle Monae / Mugison = The Don't Put Me in a Box Tour

-St. Sat B / Nick Miller and the Neighbors / The Static Sea = The Futures Tour

-Grizzly Bear /Local Natives / Bowerbirds / Colour Revolt = The Sweet Harmony Tour (Obviously it'd have to be when LN wasn't on tour withe The Adjective Noun Tour) (Additionally some would add Beirut or Yeasayer, which I would allow, but I have never really listened to their stuff. It's not that I'm against it, it's just I'm poor and have to prioritize purchases sometimes)

-Radiohead / almost any indie band formed after the millennium = The Opening Bands Grew Up Wanting to Be Us (and That's A Good Thing) Tour

-Menomena (original lineup) / Lackthereof / Ramona Falls = The Solo Projects are as Genius as the Band Tour

-DFA1979 / The Black Keys / Local H = The Dinner for Two Tour

-The Strokes / M.I.A. / Liam Finn = The Nepotism Tour (This is in jest, as all the people whose parents were famous in these bands are very talented at would have likely made it on their own)

- Nirvana / Jeff Buckley = The Live from the Next Life Tour (I wish this was possible)

- Mugison /Chad VanGaalen / Liam Finn / tUnE-yArDs = The Kali Tour (A reference to their mult-instrumental, DIY nature. Kali has many arms, and if these artists did, they could do many things. Liam Finn and Mugison especially got their start as multi-tasking solo performers. I'm not sure about CVG's live show, but I know he records all his stuff in a home studio and mostly by himself. tUnE-yArDs, Mugison, and LF all have touring bands now I believe, although again, I'm not sure about CVG)

-Of Montreal / CSS / Bat for Lashes = The Face Paint Tour

-Arctic Monkeys / The Fratellis / The Kooks = The Fight in a Pub Tour

-Phoenix /Department of Eagles /The Dodos / Bowerbirds = The Flock Together Tour

-Modest Mouse / Avi Buffalo / Minus the Bear = The Indigenous Species' of the West Tour

Ok, I think I'm out of them. At the beginning I tried to choose bands that I'd always thought would compliment each others' sounds well, but at the end I think I was just trying to think of plays on names, although I did only put bands that I thought would go well together. There were some that fit the tour name, but I didn't include them.

Some of these bands aren't necessarily the same style, but again, I think the same people would like them. M.I.A. and the Strokes may seem different on paper, but most everyone I know that likes one is a fan of the other. When I saw Dismemberment Plan in Chicago, they played with a 60's-ish soul act complete with horns. People loved it! Sometimes acts you think have nothing in common are perfect compliments.

Most of the tour names should be pretty straight-forward. If you don't get it, it's probably because it's a horrible, tacky joke.

I also acknowledge that some of the opening bands could easily pull off headlining shows. But this is MY fantasy, and if you have a problem with it, imagine them as co-headliners or at a festival or something. Bug off.

Anywho, I know I'm a nerd and I spend a lot of time dreaming about stuff that is probably not productive at all. I acknowledge that. Wow, I feel like I'm getting super-defensive here and justifying myself to a computer screen that seems to be unmoved by my words and just continues staring blankly at me. Good times.