The State of Skub Address

For those of you unfamiliar with skub, it was first brought to light as an issue by Perry Bible Fellowship. Since then, pro-skub and anti-skub factions (and even anti-pro-skub factions) have divided this country. I am a vehement anti-skubber. In the past few years, skub usage has gone up, but the issue has been moved into the background of American politics as the economy, terrorism, and unemployment have been more visible. However, what people do not realize is that skub is interlinked with and the cause of many of the problems that plague the United States today. I prepared a State of Skub Address today, in hopes that I may rally the public to the cause. It follows:

Ladies, gentlemen, skub-hating Americans. In the past half decade, the crusade against skub has waned. I know it is easy to be disillusioned seeing how skub usage has spread across this great land, but we must prevail. Osama Bin Ladin, the world's leading producer of skub, has now been eliminated; but it doesn't end here. Being anti-skub is a full-time job. Skub has destroyed the rainforest, leaving orangutans, three-toed sloths, and the screeching rihanna with nowhere to go. Skub is being used at an earlier age than ever, causing elementary schoolers to be kicked out of their homes and become skub-pushers. Skub has allowed Justin Bieber to become famous and influence other children to use skub. Skub has promised to marry various girls, only to get them in the sack,impregnate them with little skubs, and run off with their sisters to Havana. Skub has let loose angry trolls in hospitals. Perhaps worst of all, skub has shortened the rotation of the earth by six milliseconds in the last year, causing global warming and mild constipation.

Now, more than ever, is the time to address skub. For every one person who joins the cause, ten dolphins are saved, 50 pounds of CO2 is eliminated from the atmosphere, a baby kisses a kitten, a double rainbow appears, three people decide not to get a Bieber-cut,traffic on I-94 clears up, Radiohead writes a new song, and someone gets a rock out of their shoe.It is not the time to stop anti-skub protests. I propose a million anti-skubber march in the near future. Jon Stewart, Dan Akroyd, and Ernest Borgnine (whose pet rock was eaten by skub) should be keynote speakers. If we don't use our voices, skub wins. I dread the day that skub destroys my America; on that day I will go down guns blazing. An America ruled by skub is no America at all. So join me in a pledge to fight skub as vigorously as if it were a pack of rabid iguanas (which, coincidentally, skub is building an army of). Rid America of skub today, experience peace and freedom tomorrow.

Thank you all, and God bless America.

Please join me in the fight against skub. We cannot afford to sweep the issue under the rug any longer. If you would like to join the fight, please visit the Anti-skub Facebook page.

Politics on the Pot?

So I'm sitting on the toilet and I read "Don't forget to spay and neuter your liberals". Liberals had been crossed out and replaced with 'conservative bigots'... Next to it said "Bush Cheney Oil". The stall was full of commentary about politics. I thought to myself, You know, it seems like about 75% of stall comments are about politics. Maybe it's because I'm on a campus. But I feel I've seen it just about everywhere I've gone. Do people instinctively think about politics on the pot, or is it just the idea that bathroom commentary has to be bold and powerful? What do these people mean to accomplish by doing this? Are undecided votes won on the toilet? Do people think their deepest when they're squeezing one out? Maybe it's because they're alone with no distractions. Or maybe they're reading the paper and are enraged by something they've read. This phenomenon just fascinated me. I leave it up to you.

Low Gas Prices: Enjoy Them While They Last

Gas prices are the lowest they've been in years. While this is fantastic, you must take this with a grain of salt because it's not a coincidence that it's happening in the months before Barack takes office. It's no secret that a lot of powerful Republicans have links to oil (to use a drastic understatement). My theory is that they are lowering prices before Obama takes office so that when they raise them to record highs during his term he will be blamed and they will regain power in the next. I am by no way extremely left, but it has become evident to me that this is a definate possibility. It's scary to think that about the possibility that the Republicans may cripple the U.S. economy even worse to take power back, and I hope I'm wrong. It would go to show that democracy definitely still has its flaws and power is not necessarily very well checked in America.

Now that I've depressed us all, I'll give you some amazing music to cheer up with. Annuals has toured with a lot of the bands I love, such as Manchester Orchestra and Minus the Bear. Yet I held off on getting their stuff for a while for some reason. But in three days I bought much of their library because every one of their songs enthralled me. They're so unique and have such a big sound when they want to, and no phrase of their music is the same. But they can also turn around and write some amazing slower music, that plays like an epic. I'll give you two examples.

Sore is a slower one that builds beautifully:

Carry Around is a more fun, bizarre song:

Confessor is their newest one. It displays their big sound:

Bjork - Grade A Pimp

Yeah, I said it. The lady has balls. Declare Independence is a fantastic song, and she's been using it for inspirational purposes. She used it in a couple concerts to praise Kosovo for their new Constitution in Tokyo, a move that kept her from being allowed to play her show in Serbia. But this one takes the cake. In China, during the song she clearly says "Tibet, Tibet" on three different occasions. Just awesome.

YouTube video of Bjork's "Tibet, Tibet" version of "Declare Independence" in China

Califonia ruins everything

Okay, people, it looks like after Super Tuesday, it will be a close heat between Obama and Clinton for the Democratic Nomination. It looks as if, according to MSNBC, the results at the end of the counting will be Obama will be ahead 838 delagates to Clinton’s 834. The race is mostly close because of Hilary winning the two states with the most delagates: California and New York. New York is Hilary's old stomping grounds for Congress, so it's no surprise she won there. However, California? Seriously? The young, hip candidate didn't win California?

Now, I am an Obama supporter. What it comes down to for me are his green policies. He supports a shift to nuclear energy, which will reduce CO2 emissions, slowing the progression of global warming. However, moreover, this is just another instance in which California is out to get me. Here are a couple of other reasons me and Cali don't get along.

1) The O.C. and young stars of Hollywood.

Let's talk about Laguna Beach and my Super Sweet 16. If these were the representations of America I saw from another country, I would hate it, too. Spoiled litte brats who do nothing but whine about how their Mercedes was the wrong color. Or how about Lindsay, Paris, and Britney? The media does nothing but fascinate themselves with these people's lives, encouraging them to do stupid and more stupid things. It's ridiculous.

2) Happy cheese comes from happy cows in California.

Screw you, it comes from Wisconsin. Are you trying to cripple our economy? Without dairy, all we have is beer, and St. Louis is trying their best to deprive us of thriving off of that. I take that back. We'd still have FIB's that would give us their money at Summerfest and Brewers games. But there's only so much rich suburbanites can do.

3) Sports teams.

Okay, part of this is jealousy, but much of it is hatred. I mean, colleges like UCLA and USC attract all the stars because of their warm weather and beautiful women. And what, they have like 184 MLB, NFL, NHL, and NBA teams. Hey, here's an idea: Give the state that's gettint 10-14 inches of snow as we speak a hockey team rather than giving the one that's 80 degrees year-round three.

4) Coasties.

Stop sending us your rich, your spoiled, your lazy. Please. They influence girls around here to start acting like them. Basically, people wear Uggs, huge sunglasses, North Face jackets, big purses, and leggings to stand out, but after a while they just blend in.

5) I'm jealous of the music scene.

It really isn't fair. No band in their right mind would not tour to California if they had the chance. I mean, there's 3 billion people in one state, massive amounts of media, and musical history. Plus, many of the bands I love come from California, and since many of them are small, they end up playing many of their shows in the same area, namely the Velvet Teen. If i want to see a good concert, many times I have to travel to Chicago, and who wants to go to that dump?

There you go, five reasons California is ruining my life.

Thus, the song of the day today will come from a band from across the seas, The Kooks. They are English. It is obvious that they are heavily influenced by the Police, resulting in reggae-infused rock. Check out their debut LP "Inside In the Inside Out". The song of the day is "Eddie's Gun".

The Kooks' Eddie's Gun on YouTube