Tool Rools

So, as anyone who reads this blog will know (all two or three of you), I'm a fan of the Format / Fun.'s front man Nate Ruess. This weekend my girlfriend, her roommate, and I went to Minneapolis to see Fun. in concert. I enjoyed their segment. Unfortunately, they were opening for Jack's Mannequin. Now, there was a time in high school that I liked this band. It was during my emo days. I saw them in concert at Summerfest (I think in '06?). It occurred to me after watching Andrew McMahon that he is a giant tool. This weekend, older and wiser as I am, my beliefs were only affirmed.

Now, if any of you want to learn how to be a tool on stage too, I'll educate you in a segment I will call "Tool Rools". Mr. McMahon followed all of these.

#1 First thing you do when you get out on stage is yell "How the f*** you feeling tonight (insert name of city here)?!?!?! This question follows or is similar to other tool rools to follow, but it deserves it's own rule because it's so cliche and one that tool rockers will always follow. Naturally, Mr. McMahon was not an exception.

#2 Have two mics, a foot apart, with absolutely no difference in effect/volume, that you switch between constantly so you can make spastic dramatic movements.

#3 Spastic dramatic movements. Now, there is a right way and wrong way to do it. But McMahon makes ridiculous faces when he plays that in no way are necessary and are clearly meant to be emotive but just come off as douchey. Dude looked like he was having sex with his piano. He clearly was thinking, Yeah, I look awesome because it totally looks like I'm rocking out hard when I'm playing chords on a piano.

#4 Insert the name of the town you're playing in into the song. This is what you do if you're a cheer whore. And yes, it happened.

#5 Stand on the speakers and sing. Unless you take a dive into the crowd (which is only okay if your music is dive-worthy and not sappy ballads disguised as rock), you are a tool.

#6 Swear as much as you can when you talk. Especially if you're not angry about anything. Like, fine, if there's power behind your statements, by all means, exercise your Constitutional right. But come on, if you're saying "I'm quitting music to become an f***ing ice dancer" (actual wording from the concert), then save it.

#7 Have other tools in the audience. So many stories. The girl behind us that was singing at the top of her lungs horribly, the guy in front that would be like "DID YOU HEAR THAT SOLO? IT WAS SO F***ING AWESOME. HE'S THE BEST MUSICIAN EVER! READ MY SHIRT, IT SAYS JACK'S MANNEQUIN! I GIVE HIGH FIVES IF YOU LIKE JACK'S MANNEQUIN!" (Again, actually overheard from the concert. Another unrelated thing I heard was a guy say "I just did something with a man that I never want to do again...").

#8 Jump on your instrument. I'm amazed he didn't destroy his piano. There was really no need for it. I really hate being at concerts when people destroy their instruments. It's like, "Yeah, it's a crappy economy, and you paid $25 dollars to my show, and I really could have charged you $3 less if I didn't have to replace this instrument, but bah, it's so worth it right?" No. It's cliche and it was originally done by people way more talented and rebellious than you. Your music is about wishing someone knew how you felt about them and crying in your pillow, not a corrupt government.

#9 After each song make it look like you just ran a marathon.

#10 Announce to everyone that you're drinking alcohol on stage. Especially when it's a martini.

Basically, I've seen a lot of bad concerts (mostly in my high school days), but if I were the Pitchfork of concert reviewers I'd give a Jack's concert a 0.0 or probably even this.